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Breathings From My Heart

~ words I'm exhaling

Breathings From My Heart

Monthly Archives: March 2014

Out of my comfort zone

04 Tuesday Mar 2014

Posted by BRomero in Family

≈ 1 Comment

the farther you goYesterday my daughter began her sojourn home from New York where she’d visited my grandson at Ft. Drum. She’d flown there on Thursday from Louisiana. Unfortunately, Mother Nature prevented her from following her trail of bread crumbs home. Her flight there, which included a stop in D.C., was rerouted yesterday. Washington, D. C. wasn’t accepting visitors. At all. She spent the day in Syracuse awaiting her new connecting flight to Cleveland that would bring her into Houston. From Houston she took a short flight here (back to Louisiana). Also yesterday her husband flew back to his job in Alaska (from here), so all day they were both traveling, except for the fact that my daughter was grounded in Syracuse for hours and hours. Still, neither one was home. Are you following?

Daughter #2 presently lives in Malaysia. She’s been there with her family since 2010. She comes and goes in the summer and winter for Christmas, thank goodness, but she isn’t home. At least Daughter #1 will be home by early afternoon today. Daughter #2 might be home (and by home I mean stateside) by 2015. That means those grandchildren, perhaps, might live nearer to us before they’re grown. We have another daughter in Tennessee, and that will be another post, but blessedly we do have daughters living near enough to us that we can see them (and our grandchildren) without planning a major trip, packing, or even bringing a toothbrush. To them we are eternally grateful. We’ve made trips to see Daughter #4, the one in TN, of course, and I’ve been to Malaysia twice, but I don’t relish the thought of another trip to Malaysia. Two times are quite enough, thank you very much. Never say never, though. The pull of those grandchildren (and their mother) is stronger than the pull of the moon. More about that in another post someday. Tennessee? Always doable.

I realize there are some who believe travel to be wondrous, who believe seeing other parts of the world (or the country) to be necessary to one’s growth as a human being. I was once one of those people, and even now I do think short trips abroad are a good thing (when safe). That said, I have a confession to make. I like that for other people. I think everyone else should travel the world, live abroad, even travel around this country at will. I’m becoming less and less happy when those people are part of our family, unless it’s me. I don’t worry when it’s me.

Yesterday wasn’t a good day with Daughter #1’s travel plans interrupted so far away while her husband was heading “north to Alaska” at the same time. I should mention that while Daughter #1 was traveling to NY a few days ago, her sister (the one in Malaysia) was traveling home from Cambodia after completing a mission there. True, that’s not a long trip, Cambodia to Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur), but it meant she was out of “my” comfort zone.

As Carole King asks, “Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore?”  Don’t my children realize that when they are not in their designated spot (in my head, at least) I worry? Also, if travel they must, couldn’t they do it one at a time? One at a time just for me?

So, that’s it! All day yesterday I was out of my comfort zone, even though I never left the house. Time to exhale, indeed.

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The Weight of a Word

02 Sunday Mar 2014

Posted by BRomero in Family

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So I made a category for posts called FAMILY for the purposes of anything I may write on this blog about mine. As I typed the word into the little box marked “Category”, I was typing the letters that represent the people I love, the people I call my relatives, the people I did not choose to know, some of whom know things about me, about my infancy, that I don’t even know about myself. Sadly, there aren’t many of them left, those who know about my infancy. I thought about the weightiness of that one word, those six letters, how such a small word can have such huge meaning. I thought about it in the way we all must at times, the good and the bad of it, but in that thinking I was consumed with the feeling of blessing, of gratitude, of simply belonging to one. Family. The word has more depth than most. Family equals a gift from God, including my husband whom (technically) I chose. My family is my past, my present, and my future. Among them are the ones whose hand I held when they first entered our world the same way as they will hold mine when I depart it, the repetition of generations. Weighty word.

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Less is More?

02 Sunday Mar 2014

Posted by BRomero in Free Thinking, Retirement

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When I retired, I pictured my days as scenes from a nineteenth century novel, relaxing as the lady of a British manor might. I pictured that I would sit most mornings and linger over my coffee, watching the birds feeding outside my window, until I could name them, each and every one. My coffee would stay hot, of course, no matter how long I lingered. I pictured my dogs and I taking long and lazy walks often. I pictured all the leisure time I’d spend pulling rascal weeds from around my innocent flowers, and that I’d croon over my plantings until they bloomed their biggest and brightest simply to make me happy. Of course, I’d wear a fashionable floppy hat with a hatband that matched my gardening gloves. In my retirement the weeds would never dare return. I’d be that vigilante. I pictured that my house would remain pleasantly in order so that it wouldn’t take all that much from me to keep it that way. I pictured laundry done and put away in a timely fashion. After all, I was retired now. I pictured nary a dirty dish in the sink- ever. I pictured that when my husband, lord of the manor, walked in the door each afternoon, he would return home to me, relaxed and serene, and a heart-healthy home-cooked meal. I pictured wrong.

Retirement can be those things, I suppose, but I’m no lady of a manor. I have no servants to do my bidding, and most of the time I don’t mind that fact. Here’s the rub. I am finding the longer I’m retired, much to my disappointment, the more I develop the nasty habit of overscheduling myself much worse than I ever did when working. Working gave me boundaries! What a discovery! When I was working, I knew my time was finite. I said no to certain invitations, denied myself some opportunities, and it seems knew my limitations. Here, in my new life of retirement, I’ve discovered I don’t do well without boundaries. How was I to know? I have forgotten how to say no. I’ve also forgotten a life without the Internet or cell phones. Time for a wake-up call to myself.

As if I’m some superwoman (choose your favorite character), I start each day with a list, either mental or written, of all the tasks I will accomplish, all the people I will call or visit, all the bills I will pay (online), all the cards I will send to those in need of cheering, having birthdays, etc., all the laundry I will fold, all the dishes I will unload from the dishwasher and load again, all the floors I will sweep or vacuum, all the surfaces I will dust, all the mail I will separate into tidy files, all the appointments I will make on time, all the drawers and closets I will straighten, all the toilets I will swish, all the meals I will cook for today and to freeze, and on and on and on. In my head, as I compose my list, I’m singing along to my favorite songs while performing these tasks, my version of whistling while I work. Oh, and what about those nasty, pesky weeds and things yet planted? What about my pet birds? squirrels? Let’s not forget the memorable moments I want to spend with my grandchildren and daughters. What about the treadmill upstairs, the one beckoning to me each time I enter its room and throw a garment across it? Throw in the occasional lunch with a friend, and I’m a goner.

What does my list do? Does it help me to stay on track? Maybe sometimes, but more often it causes endless angst when, every single day, it not only is unfinished…….it is hardly started. It causes GUILT.

Completing those tasks may have been possible – no, that much in one day would never have been possible – before the internet, before I had all my toys, before I knew how to log on. I find myself carrying my cell phone and either pad or laptop up the down staircase all day long. I don’t watch much television during the daytime hours, but how can I be far from my connections to the outside world? What if someone needs me? What if I rudely ignore a text on my phone, or a comment on Facebook, or (God forbid) an email. That isn’t me. I don’t ignore people, not me. Lately, I realize I’m just plain too much plugged in to ever accomplish much of anything. Lately I realize I’m reading less, much to my horror.

I’ve blamed telephone interruptions, unplanned drop-in visitors, my dogs, and whatever or whomever else I can think to blame. The plain truth is that if I remained unplugged longer, spent fewer hours texting, or typing, or surfing, maybe the unexpected phone call or visit (which I always enjoy) would be okay. Maybe going about my day without a list would be okay. Hard, but okay. It wouldn’t mean that nothing would ever be accomplished. It might mean less guilt, which is a good thing. A good compromise might be a shorter list? Truth be told, those interruptions are what make the day.

Here’s a realization. My way of dealing with the need to be less plugged in is to think about it, ponder it here, and sometimes to commiserate with my friends (on FB, of course). Close the laptop? Hardly.

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William Wordsworth

01 Saturday Mar 2014

Posted by BRomero in Free Thinking

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William Wordsworth once said, “Fill your page with the breathings from your heart”, so I – who once did fill pages in paper journals – am now filling my computer screen with a nod to the 21st century……and a nod to speed. I do miss pen to paper, and I still do that for some writing, but I can’t beat the speed with which I can put thoughts to “paper” using a keyboard rather than a pen. Surely Wordsworth understands.

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Breathingsfrommyheart

A blog about feelings that need expression.

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BRomero

BRomero

A wife, mother, and grandmother, I have a rich supply of family material from which to draw, but I also want to write about other things that weigh on my heart and mind. We'll see.

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